‘My husband had an affair with my best friend. I forgave them both’: It’s the ultimate betrayal… now one woman tells TRACEY COX what happened next

Studies on infidelity suggest around a quarter of all affairs involve someone known closely to the betrayed partner.

I can vouch that the research is spot on.

Over the many years I’ve written about relationships, the ‘My best friend slept with my husband/wife’ story is one I’ve heard – and witnessed first-hand – many times.

The story you are about to read is from a person I have met a dozen times in my life.

She doesn’t want to be identified but was happy to share what happened anonymously because she thought it might give hope to other woman in similar situations.

I’m going to call her Leila. The other names have also been changed but her story is real.

Leila is now 43 and works in publishing.

Here’s what happened, in her words.

They were our closest couple friends

Fern was one of my oldest and closest friends and I loved her dearly, but I was also aware she had a strong, narcissistic streak. She loved attention – particularly if it came from a man. She’s also competitive and I guess the combination of the two personality traits enabled her to betray one of her best friends.

Fern’s husband James is quiet and intelligent, and I got on well with him. We’d look on with wry amusement while my husband Mark and Fern flirted and exchanged banter. It was just what they did. Innocent and funny – or so we thought.

Their one mistake

About three years ago, we had them over for Sunday lunch. Fern went to the loo and Mark followed her. James and I were doing the dishes and chatting until I clocked that they were gone a little too long. I went to investigate and saw them whispering to each other in the hallway, heads a little too close. They pulled apart guiltily when I appeared. My father had affairs, so I am hyperalert to any threat of infidelity, but they laughed it off and said they were planning a surprise for my birthday. I didn’t believe it.

Later that night, while he slept, I checked my husband’s phone – something I had never done. What I found made me completely lose faith in human nature.

Death by a thousand cuts

Mark isn’t a complicated man. He has few friends, so it wasn’t difficult to figure out ‘Steve’ wasn’t a man called Steve. It took another two minutes to realise Steve was Fern – I know the way she texts and the type of jokes she makes. I literally felt the earth beneath me fall away as I read their exchanges and I knew I could never ‘unread’ them.

The messages went right back to when their affair started – about a year ago – to that day. Their last text exchange was about me nearly ‘catching’ them by the loo earlier and ‘Phew!’ they’d got away with it.

I went to the bathroom and threw up. 

It’s more common than you think – people cheating with their best friend’s husband – but it doesn’t make it any less painful. Fern was the person I’d call if I found out Mark was cheating. Not only was my husband betraying me, but he was also doing it with the person I’d lean on to get through it. Worse, they both knew that. How cruel could they be?

FIVE REASONS WHY ‘FRIEND INFIDELITY’ IS SO COMMON 

It’s not the most common infidelity but it’s far from rare.

It’s also the type most likely to cause pain because it involves a double betrayal.

So why do people do it?

Familiarity breeds lust: Proximity and familiarity create a closeness that can slowly tip over into something more. The more time you spend with someone, the more comfortable it feels and comfort can blur boundaries over time.

We’ll often confide in the partners of best friends: Especially if we’re having problems in our relationship. They know us well and have seen our relationship play out first hand. Close couple friends are good people to confide in for that reason: research shows friends give better advice than family. But emotional intimacy can develop into romance, especially if the problems get worse.

We lower our guard with people we think are safe: We wouldn’t hang out alone with a stranger – that would be ‘wrong’ – but it feels normal to do it with a friend’s partner. Boundaries get blurred without you both realising.

You’re unhappy and they’re there: Unhappiness in your own relationship is the biggest predictor of infidelity. Who you stray with often happens to be someone who happens to be there in front of you.

It’s completely forbidden which ups the excitement: Affairs thrive on the thrill of taking a risk. Having one with the partner of a good friend can make it seem even more exciting to people who are drawn to risk taking.Read more

The double betrayal

I lay awake all night thinking of what to do. All I really knew was that I didn’t want to lose my husband.

When he woke up, I was oddly calm.

I told him I knew and asked if he loved her. He went white and sat down on the bed. He didn’t deny anything and looked devastated that I had found out. He said it was ‘just a bit of fun’ and they ‘hadn’t meant to hurt anyone’. One part of me registered how cliched his response was but I was in self-survival mode. We were going through a sexless period, which happened now and then: I felt I could justify it.

I then rang Fern and told her I knew and asked her and James to come to the house.

The deal we made

It was clear James had no idea as well, he was ashen. I was very matter of fact: I said I was shocked and devastated but also loved them both and didn’t want to lose either.

It was clear it wasn’t serious – they both looked horrified when I asked if they loved each other and wanted to be together. I said if they stopped, I would forgive them with time. James agreed to also try.

We stopped seeing each other for about six months but then, tentatively, we all met up again. Mark and I had done therapy and so had they.

Fern and I pretended to be fine, but she had trouble making eye contact and I could see she was riddled with guilt. But she never suggested meeting just the two of us to explain or truly apologise. That hurt.

Time didn’t heal – it made it fester

On the surface, it looked like we were all healing – except I wasn’t. I was play acting the part of the wife who could weather this storm but inwardly I raged.

I became angrier and more outraged that the two people I trusted the most had betrayed me. It was hell. I saw the therapist solo, but nothing she said helped.

Out of desperation I called James and asked to meet him privately. I felt like he was the only person who could understand how I felt. We met that afternoon: turned out he was also going through his own private hell.

A problem shared…

James wasn’t angry but he was deeply depressed. Like me, the shock of the betrayal hit later. He loved Fern as much as I loved Mark and had the same instinct to hold on tight when the affair came to light. But he was finding it as hard as I was to accept it all.

I felt so much better and lighter after we talked: it helped both of us. We agreed to meet again – secretly of course – and it turned into a weekly thing.

Even before the affair, James and I were the best of friends. We’d known each other for decades. But over time, he became my best friend. I could tell him things I couldn’t talk to Mark about – mainly how I struggled with trying not to hate him. James was having trouble trusting Fern again and things weren’t great there either.

The inevitable happened

We’d been meeting for about eight months without our spouses knowing before we finally admitted what had become obvious: our friendship had changed into love.

Nothing physical had happened between us – not even a kiss – but I longed to.

It was me who gave in.

We were both lingering by the door, desperate to touch each other but not game to in case we’d read it wrong. I grabbed his hands and stood in front of him and looked him in the eyes. Then I said, ‘Am I crazy or is there something more than just friendship going on here?’. I’ve never seen anyone smile like that and still haven’t: it was like watching his entire body fill with happiness. We grinned at each other for ages then, finally, we kissed.

It was the best moment of my life and made all the pain worth it.

Unlike Mark and Fern, our relationship wasn’t ‘just a bit of fun’. Nothing physical (other than a kiss) had happened. This was an emotional affair – the most dangerous kind, of course. We loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

The aftermath

Whoever said revenge is a dish best served cold wasn’t right. Even though Mark and Fern had hurt us both deeply in an irreparable way, neither of us took any pleasure in doing the same to them.

Mark had watched my respect and love for him drain away since the affair. It came as no shock to him that I wanted a divorce. But he was absolutely floored when he found out I was not in only in love but with James.

To this day, he probably still thinks I’ve orchestrated this whole thing just to get him back for what he did and I’m pretending to love James.

Fern, predictably, turned up at the front door screaming and ranting and calling me every name under the sun.

I didn’t care and neither did James and that’s what really irked them.

We half expected them to have one last fling to spite us, but I think they realised we couldn’t have cared less. We have mutual friends and they say they aren’t friends anymore. Neither of us had children so there’s no reason for James and I to see them again either.

I can’t say I wish them well – what they did was unforgiveable – but their affair lead me to the love of my life, so I my parting words are simply ‘Thank you’.