A relationship expert reveals the seven things you’re doing on dates that are turning off potential partners

Going on a first date is a universally terrifying experience, whether it’s your first or your fiftieth. And while the ‘rules’ of dating often seem as unsolvable as a master-level sudoku, there are some simple pieces of advice you can follow as not to make any major faux pas.

That’s why we asked Annabelle Knight, Lovehoney’s sex and relationships expert, for the seven biggest red-flag behaviours you can show on a first date. From the outfit no-gos to the importance of eye contact, here’s exactly how to ensure you make an impression – and don’t get the dreaded next-day ghosting.

It’s normal to be nervous and blabber on a date (at least in my book it is). However, Knight says it’s a massive turn-off when you fail to ask the other person anything about themselves.

‘I always say that communication is the number one bedrock of a solid relationship,’ she says, ‘and this starts while dating. If you are not asking questions or showing any curiosity in getting to know them, then you are not giving them any reason to share themselves with you.’

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: you jabber on about yourself, they don’t engage in conversation, and you continue to fill the quiet by chattering more. In short, ‘if you spend the whole date talking about yourself, then don’t expect another one.’

Being rude to staff

Let’s be honest, most of us have been out with someone whose behaviour towards the staff is a massive turn-off. This can range from poor manners like forgetting your pleases and thank yous, to totally entitled grossness. (I once went on a Hinge date with a man who clicked to get the waitress’s attention.)

‘It should be a given,’ Knight agrees, ‘but being rude to hospitality staff – whether you are in a restaurant or on an activity-based date – is an instant turn-off. It’s not attractive at all, and it might give a potential partner a clue as to your wider personality.’

Not making eye contact

Yes, it can be hard to make and keep eye contact when you’re experiencing first date nerves. But it’s important you show the person that you’re engaged with what they’re saying – or you can kiss a second date goodbye.

‘If you’re not paying attention to the person you are on a date with (for example, if you are constantly looking around), then it suggests that you are not interested in them, or worse that you are ‘shopping around’ for another date,’ Knight says.

How do you avoid this? Eye contact is a huge thing, Knight explains, and asking follow-up questions – without directing the conversation back to you – makes you appear much more curious, and attractive, to a potential partner.

Disagreeing on the bill

It’s a perennial question: who should pick up the bill on a first date? But while ‘the days of expectations around splitting the bill are largely over,’ Knight explains arguing about it too passionately is a recipe for disaster.

It’s great that there’s more freedom of choice and less pressure for the man to always pay,’ Knight says, ‘but being weird about the bill can instantly undo all the hard work of a date. This could be an over-eagerness to pay the bill and not listening to the other person’s wish to split, or a complete unwillingness to pay – either way, if you make a big deal of it, you could be coming across as rude or controlling.’

Turning up tipsy

I think most of us can admit we’ve indulged in a quick tipple with a friend before a first date we’re particularly nervous about. But it’s a very, very fine line: if you take it too far, it’s potentially the biggest turn-off imaginable for a potential partner.

‘Again, this should be a given in most social situations,’ Knight says, ‘but if you are turning up to a date obviously drunk, then that can be an instant turn-off. It shows that the date is not even the priority of that day for you, and expresses a level of disinterest in the person you are meeting for the date – let alone the fact that it’s rude.’

Dressing inappropriately

If you agree to a date with someone, you have a responsibility to show up: both physically and emotionally. ‘I’m not saying that you need to turn up to every date dressed to the nines,’ Knight says, ‘but you should show that you are willing to make an effort, otherwise it can be a big turn-off.’

‘If you are eating at a fancy restaurant, then definitely dress up, but equally if you are going to play minigolf, then dress appropriately and make sure you get involved, rather than trying to appear ‘above’ any activity you have planned.’

Disrespecting people’s boundaries

This really comes down to showing your date respect, even over things that might sound ‘silly’ to you. ‘Boundaries and consent are arguably the two most important things when meeting someone new,’ Knight says, ‘and indeed in a relationship full stop.’

‘You absolutely must respect the other person’s boundaries when on a date (and at all times!) – whether this is around something simple like sharing food, or whether or not you go home together.’ It’s a dealbreaker as to whether you’re a potential partner, or someone they’ll block as soon as they get home.